بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
I was born in a Muslim family (Alhumdullilah), but for years I was a Muslim just by name & on papers.
Studied in Christian missionary school & brought up among the non-Muslims.
My looks, my attire, my thoughts, my way of life was totally un-Islamic except for one thing that I never left “FASTING”.
It was one act that I didn’t left, come what may and that was the only connection I had with ISLAM. No prayers, no Quran, nothing. But fasting- might be that was easy, mom dad asked for it, it comes once a year, then being a female helps in dieting or there may be some more such reasons attached to it, which made me fast throughout or it was just Allah’s plan. But that’s what stayed me somehow connected to my religion.
After my schooling I went to different city for my higher studies & I developed the thought process that non- Muslims had about Islam. That Islam is biased towards women, that its more favorable & easy for men then women.
& I started living a life full of so called ‘freedom’ ‘love for Duniya’ that I was looking for during my growing years. And I was completely disconnected from Allah. In trying to grab the attention of Duniya I completely lost touch with Allah. (Astagfirullah)
And which of my good deeds or my parents prayers Allah heard that suddenly after my post-grad my life started to change.
The time when I should have been striving to search a job for myself. I had lot of dreams to aspire, a successful corporate life waiting, money, & all the materialistic things of world that anybody in my position would have wanted then & they were ahead of me ‘if I would have tried for’. All my dreams of ‘Independent ME’ financially were just a hand away from me.
& Islam struck me or don’t know what else should I say it to be.
My life started changing. Instead of preparing for my interviews for job, instead of going out & spending time with friends, I was back home, back to my city, away from my social circle….. Left everything & alone at home.
During those times, I had least motivation in life & nothing much to do because my so called goals didn’t seemed to be my purpose anymore. & in those times I was introduced to Allah & Quran. How, when, why, where… I still don’t know. But I was experiencing change in my life. Meanwhile i started working but i knew this was not what i wanted anymore & soon i left it.
during those times I didn’t knew if the change i was going through was for better. But that was all I was doing. Studying Islam. Trying to know what my religion says, what Allah says, what my Prophet says. Trying to connect. Re-connect. Trying to be somewhere in my life. Though don’t know where.
And after lots and lots of reading for 2 years and trying to know and discuss deen with people around me I actually took my ‘Shahdah’. Yes! I consider it as coming back to Islam, submission to Allah. Yes! that was when in real I felt it & consider speaking those words with meaning.
All this while saying these words was a habit as since childhood my father taught me to say it before going to bed & after waking up. But the real meaning of those words I understood a lot later.
Today, while writing this I am thankful & grateful to Allah for granting me this life. It’s been 5 years since my spiritual journey towards Allah began. Still struggling. Lots & lots to learn. May Allah ease my task. Sometimes I feel I am not doing enough; other times I feel I am still not truly submissive. And this thought is ongoing.
I heard new reverts sharing their stories of Shahdah & how they felt.
Today, after 5 years of my journey into Islam, facing lots of troubles as part of life, ups & downs of life, trials & tribulations, heart breaks, sorrows, feeling my iman low when things don’t work out, most of times feel very lonely & still working hard to be a good muslimah, still struggling hard with it every day, & sometimes even feel like giving up everything & get back to the easier things of life. All that I have faced earlier as well, but then I didn’t thought I had Allah with me.
I can say-
I know getting on the way of Islam, coming to Islam for a new person or non-Muslim is not easy at all, but trust me staying on it & keep going is much tougher. Because earlier you were not on the target of Shaitan, but once you in, you took your Shahdah, Shaitan strikes… and maintaining and going on with it is the real test. But feeling of the presence of Allah in our life makes all the difference.
The real journey begins.
It’s not that these 5 years I haven’t committed sins or didn’t made any mistakes. No such magic happened that I left the whole world & started living a perfect muslimah’s life after embracing Islam (regretfully) but all human err. But yes for my mistakes/sins I have sincerely repented & always tried to guard my iman. & keeps on trying every day. With every new day a new challenge strikes & I keep going telling myself that “Allah knows”. I keep trusting Allah. I have entrusted all my affairs to Allah. I have certainty, Tawakkul, Ikhlas in Allah & i keep going . It’s tough but the reward for it is priceless.
And with every step I find my iman being tested. With every step towards Allah I find my iman being targeted but then I feel JANNAH doesn’t come easy, it’s not cheap….. The eternal bliss doesn’t come cheap, the perfect life doesn’t come easy. It’s priceless. To achieve something priceless you have to at least work this far.
Today, if I close my eyes, look back & even try to think of the so called life I thought to live …all I utter is ‘Astagfirullah’. Allah saved me Alhumdullilah. He is the King. He reign Supreme.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 35 Surah Fatir verse 8:For Allah leaves to stray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills.
And all I utter to myself is…whoever Allah guides, is truly the guided one. And for sure Allah chooses me to Islam for a reason & I have to prove his choice correct. To fulfill the trust that Allah has on me. To submit to Allah. To submit to my deen. & whatever haram comes in my way to stay away from it.
And in this journey of life, in this journey towards Allah. I am a struggler still & will be a struggler forever. & I know my Allah sees the efforts not the results. Alhumdullilah.
May Allah protect our iman, keep us strong & steadfast on his way.
May Allah guide us all.
Ameen ya rabul alamin.
ShadsDiary 